I'M A FEMINIST, BUT...
Finally, you reach a decision and break into a smile along with your other friends. You can support the feminist cause another time, right now your just trying to some fun. Your friend didn’t mean anything bad by the joke, plus it was pretty funny.
So many of us experience this indecision so many times in our lives. I'll confess, I'm guilty too! Making excuses for things that shouldn’t be excusable is something so many of us face. It doesn’t have to around friends, you could be in a workplace, a public place where you know your gonna get a lot of backlash, at home, maybe even just watching TV by yourself, and these minor sexist remarks come up which we so easily brush aside.
In this post, I will be examining the many “I’m a feminist, but…” that we experience in our daily lives;
1. I’m a feminist but…I want my happily ever after
Yes! The so-called happily ever after from fairytales and children books.
If you're like me then you're thinking, I wanna be independent and have my own thoughts. I don’t want to depend on any man, but I still want to be swept off my feet like the fairytales. But is that possible? Can I have both equality and this exaggerated romance novel happiness? I have two takes on this;
OF COURSE, YOU CAN
Look, it doesn’t matter if you're female or your male, or if you're a feminist and whatever else people who aren’t feminists are, you deserve to be happy. For a long time, people have always equated feminism with hatred of men, and loneliness. That’s not true! I want to be both equal and happy. Why should my fight for equality come with the price of my happiness? Chimamanda wrote, “I think love is the most important thing in life. Whatever kind, however, you define it...” in her novella A Feminist manifesto In Fifteen Suggestions.
I believe feminism is simply saying; as much as you deserve that ‘swept off my feet’ feeling, your partner or your spouse deserves it too. He might not say or hint at it as much as you do, but he wants it. So once in a while, buy things for your partner, lavish him with gifts, compliment him, make him feel like he's on top of the world. I think most modern-day fairy tales forget that the prince sometimes needs saving too. Feminism is as much about equality for women as it is for men.
ROMANCE NOVELS ARE JUST THAT…NOVELS!!
I know I just finished this inspiring monologue about how you can get your happily ever after with your prince charming, but this is real life and to achieve true equality, there are some sacrifices we have to make. Most of these ‘happily ever after’ stories are based on the notion that women are weak, helpless people in need of saving. And I know that I am neither weak nor helpless. However, I also believe that what we have to work towards as feminists is to change the negative description that has been added to certain words and phrases.
“I’m a feminist but I think that romance has taken away a bit for my generation. I think what people connect with in novels is the idea of an over empowering, encompassing love- and it being more important and special than anything and everything else.” Emma Watson.
2. I’m a feminist, but…sometimes I dodge sexist comments cause I'm afraid or just don't have time for a backlash.
Now this is one that a lot of us are familiar with. Some random person just made a stupidly ignorant comment about how there's no such thing as male privilege and women should ‘know their place’. You would have argued or at least tried to knock some sense into them but you're so tired, and there's a movie showing that you’ve been waiting for for weeks. So you simply ignore the person and continue on your way to bed, or to watch the movie.
What?!! Does that make you a bad feminist or no feminist at all for choosing sleep over fighting for your rights?
No, of course not.
We’ve all been there, either too tired or too scared to speak up. It gets to even the best of us. So no, you're not a bad feminist; you're just guilty. And that’s fine; loads of us are . It's not all the time you're in the mood to deal with people like that. And one tip, if someone asks you to explain the ‘point’ of feminism or why feminism is a ‘thing’, then run cause that person isn’t worth your time. Unless the question is asked with real curiosity, and not sheer ignorance or arrogance.
But, if you want to solve this problem, try to do something profitable for the feminist movement once in a while like speaking up at school, or writing the occasional essay or blog (just saying!); that way you won't feel too guilty when stuff like these happen.
3. I’m a feminist but…I hate reading feminist books or listening to feminist speeches, they're just so boring
Oh, I know this feeling very well. In fact, I only started doing both of these things constantly when I started blogging, and it's still hard for me to do this! There are two ways you can tackle this;
TAKE IT IN STEPS
Look, everyone has to start out small. So, if you really want to develop a habit of reading feminists minded books, then you need to take it to step by step. The first step, delete the words ‘feminist-minded book’ from your dictionary. That makes it sound so boring, like a boring literature essay. Instead, try reading books by feminist authors. I know what you're thinking, isn’t that the same thing? No! Infact, it couldn’t be more different. Look at Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda, it doesn’t scream boring feminist psychology book, but it's an amazing novel with feminist undertones.
Also, try and look for books with leading female characters. Look, let's behonest here, the truth of the matter is there aren’t as many female driven novels as there are for males, and even those that have female leads aren’t always so empowering and tend to look down on women. So if you want to read, find for yourself an interesting, brilliant female-led novel. And they don’t even have to be in a particular genre, they could be action novels or humor, maybe even short stories. Examples are Cinderella Liberator by Rebecca Solnit, Kiss by Ted Dekker, The Year I Met You by Cecelia Adhern, The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han (don’t be put off by the title). You could even read Anne Franks diary. I recommend This Charming Man by Marian Keyes. Do you have more suggestions? Write it in the comments.
As for videos, you can do the same thing. Watch movies with smart female characters. They don’t even have to be the main characters. For example, I like Hermione in Harry Potter. I have two recommended movies though, On The Basis Of Sex and Ride Like A Girl. Check them out, you'll love them.
DON’T BOTHER
Look, you're identity as a feminist doesn’t depend on how many articles you read on gender equality, or how many documentaries or TEDx Talks you watch. This isn't a race to see who can outdo the other person. Yes, it's profitable to read and maybe watch this kind of thing once in a while to keep ourselves educated, but it doesn’t have to be a constant thing lest it becomes a burden. The moment you start to lose yourself in the anger and the books to the detriment of your self, then it is no longer a fight for equality, it is a burden. I don’t know about you, I don’t need burdens in my life. The reality of gender inequality is enough of obstruction for all females, but don't let it become a burden too. I enjoy fighting for human rights, and I hope to reach a point where we won't have to fight anymore becausent the world will be equal. But until then, I am not carrying a burden on my back. So be free, live your life, but be active in this fight, and never let it burden you.
I really enjoyed writing this post, and would love for you guys to share many of your I’m a feminist but… stories in the comments. I'll pick my favorite and post it on my blog next week. Don’t forget to share and subscribe to get notified on new updates.
This post was inspired by the guilty feminist podcast, if you don’t listen to them, go ahead and do that right now because they are amazing, and show that we can have faults, even as women. You're allowed to not be flawless.
Beautiful. We all need to hear this.
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